School Daze...My Child Has School Anxiety!

 

What Can I do to help?

School has begun!  And, these are the days and weeks that students often experience some level of anxiety about school. I’ve already had some moms and grandmothers ask some questions about what could be the reason for their kids’ “woozy” stomachs and their not wanting to go to school.  Here are some thoughts. Please write back and I will comment more specifically if the comments below don’t cover your need.  This blog is for you! We want you to have answers so you don’t have anxiety yourself!

 

WHAT CAN I SAY to my child? Many times students don’t even know why they are feeling apprehensive. It will be important that you don’t fire a lot of questions at your child, for that could increase your child’s anxiety issues.  Remain calm and think about “the message” of any of your dialogue. You might want to say, “Tell me what you want me to know about how school is going…” [Do you feel the openness?] or “Tell me what you think might be the problem…” [Do you hear asking their opinion first?]  Also make sure you are not projecting your own anxiety about school on to them.  If your child is going to school for perhaps the first time – and you are having difficulty yourself with the adjustment, please consider getting some help with a skilled counselor.  Codependency is curable but you need to do the work!  Communicate with your child that you are committed to helping them through this chapter of their life.  How you go through this will be an important pattern for handling other issues that arise in the years to come.

 

What are the possible reasons for their anxiety?  

1.  One is a kind of disconnection with peers or significant adults at school. 

2.  Another kind of disconnection is separation anxiety, evidenced mostly by children when they are attending school for the first time. It is the downside of a close relationship between parents and children, but is evidence of possibly being “too close” and their fear of change.   

3.  Another is a fear of not making it home on the bus… or many other issues we’ll discuss in the weeks ahead. 

 

WHAT CAN I DO to help?

• When children feel disconnected to peers or their teacher, they can also have a “woozy” stomach!  Ways to remedy that sense that they are disconnected would be to make an appointment with the classroom teacher.  Ask if he/she could give your child some jobs in the room as a helper.  Kids love that sense of importance!  Also ask if he/she could spend several minutes of quality time during recess or another time each day until the child feels better connected.  You can also request that your child be put in a small group (a “Friendship” group) with the school counselor.  Usually these groups meet once a week for 4 to 6 weeks.  This works wonders!

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• When a child is insecure about going to school – it is often separation anxiety.  Again, listen to the child’s messages and listen to yours.  As said above, do get help if you feel an “outside the normal range” loss when your child goes to school.  You need help as well as the child to adjust.  Some things that help are to send the child with a picture of the family or draw a heart in the palm of their hand (and when your child misses you, he/she can look at the heart.).  Be positive about time you will spend with them after school.  Look happy!  If the child sees you cry or have any hesitation about their going to school – alarm bells go off in his/her heart and mind.

 

•  When a child has a fear about the trip home by bus – there is also help!  I love to teach children of all ages to reframe their anxiety.  Here is the quick version.

 

-          If the child can read/write – make 2 vertical columns on paper. On the left is the column for Thoughts & Feelings.  Make a list of all of their thoughts and feelings as they say them, even if you think they are irrational. They are real to the child, and you are validating them by their listing them.  Please resist saying, “Don’t feel that way,” or “That’s silly,” or “Just be positive,” or some other well-meaning but hurtful messages.  We need not minimize what is legitimate pain for them.  The second column is the column for Truth.  Encourage your child to think of all that could be true about the issue(s).  The third step is to camp out in the 2^nd column, the Truth column. 

-          If your child doesn’t read or write yet – here is an example of how to use their hands:  Basically you validate the anxious feelings your child is having using the left hand as the “place” where these feelings are represented.  Then the right hand represents the “place” for statements that are true. You can help if they need it, but I encourage you to let them think of all of the possible things that are true.  Then encourage them to camp there!  They will revert back to left-hand column thinking at times, but encourage them to go to the truth column each time!

-          Example #1 – If your child is afraid of coming home by bus – the truth column would read like this: there will be helpers on the bus; you will have a name tag; the driver has a telephone; and the like. 

-          Example # 2 - If your child is afraid to go to school – the truth column will look something like: you will be safe and OK; we will miss you; your job is to go to school; you will have fun; you will learn; you will meet new friends; other children will miss their family as well, but you can choose to be OK.  

-          In Chapter 5 of my book, Messages To Myself  – I share several other examples of helping children reframe using a chart on paper or their hands.  This reframing method or exercise is also good for depression, anger, and more.

 

Well, we have made a start of some of the issues concerning school anxiety. Next week we will talk about anxiety as a result of bullying at school.  In several weeks we will talk about physiological issues surrounding anxiety and ways to help your child relax.

 

Send in those questions and comments!  You may write to me at drhelen@helenmcintosh.com or hit “Comment” on this blog site.  I will look forward to hearing your stories about how your child is less anxious!

 

Disclaimer: These comments are not a substitute for professional counseling and are not meant to be all that you might need.  The comments are ideas meant to encourage you and stimulate even other ideas that might be helpful in a general sense for your situation.