Sept 14, 2010 Post on Workplace Bullying
I AM BEING BULLIED AT MY JOB!
What Do I Say and Do?
Workplace bullying is a very common “nightmare.” That doesn’t make it “right.” It is just unfortunately very, very common. Here are some thoughts. Please write back and I will comment more specifically if the information below doesn’t cover your need. Remember this blog is for you and for your encouragement!
What is workplace bullying? For starters, “something” just doesn’t feel right. Your confidence is shattered and you dread going to work. That “something” is a feeling of disrespect that takes many forms. Some of the forms it morphs into are harassment; excessive, inappropriate and non-professional control; shunning, excluding, ignoring; gossiping; teasing; disrespectful anger; use of language that deliberately wounds or hurts your feelings; and a misuse of power. It is only “normal” for some employees to have closer friendships with some employees than others in the workplace. This is not harmful. But, it is “outside the normal range” for these alliances or groups of friends in the workplace to become disrespectful and target an “outsider” of their group.
WHAT CAN I DO AND WHAT DO I SAY?
So we know it is about disrespect and that it has these various forms – but what do we do and what do we say?
What about saying or doing nothing? Many times it is hard to know IF you should even respond. This is very common as well. I bet you are familiar with the “Elephant in the Living Room” story and principle. Pretending the big problem isn’t there doesn’t help!
Not speaking up in some form is not a best choice – because it is called “stuffing,” “wimping out,” and choosing to stay a “victim of bullying.” It is admittedly easier to just do nothing, but is not healthy for either party. Another reason we don’t sometimes speak up is that confrontation – even done respectfully – is uncomfortable at first. Another reason to be silent is that whether your boss is the bully or another employee is the bully – there is the fear of losing one’s job if one speaks up. Any inequality in the relationship is also a set up for bullying.
Let’s say you decide to care-front (confront with care) your bully! A good choice is to ask your workplace bully if you can talk to him/her. I would suggest having this conversation in a fairly public place although it would be a “one on one” private conversation. Generally you would then say. “We have a problem [NOT you are the problem, as tempting as that would be!]. What do we need to do to make things better?” Your goal is a peaceful relationship and what it will take to get it there. Your body language and tone of voice need to be very respectful. No blaming, no shaming.
If they press for and ask for more information, you can say, “I have seen or sensed your __________________ (anger, distance, etc) in as neutral a tone as possible.” You don’t want to be accusatory or argumentative. Going straight to the bottom line of saying, “what do we need to do to make things better” helps alleviate the dance of “you said, I said, you did this, and I did that.” Going directly to your bully is very respectful, as you are not choosing to gossip about their mistreatment of you in the workplace.
What if your bully doesn’t choose to respond positively or want to make a plan? At the very least, you have acknowledged the problem – and that is very healthy. You have stood up for yourself, and that is very healthy.
Sometimes our bullies need more time to process the conversation. Sometimes they change their chosen behaviors. Sometimes they don’t. But! We can never assume that someone will change. We also cannot make someone do what we think is the right thing. That is coercion.
So, if the bullying still persists, what does one do? Here are some choices:
- You can choose to stay there, assuming and accepting that things may never change. You are no longer ignoring the bullying even though the bully didn’t choose to stop.
- You can choose to find another job if possible.
- You can ask for a transfer within the company if that is possible.
Something else you can know about a bully is that if he/she is unpleasant at work, chances are there is a reason. They are most likely experiencing problems in other areas of their lives, and brought them to work. You are seeing the “tip of the iceberg” but there are usually many issues below that. There is much more on this in my book, Messages To Myself.
Your bully does need help, although it is not your job to “fix it.” Your job was to speak up in a very respectful way in talking about the problem between the two of you. Your speaking up is a kind of healthy “intervention” in his/her life. Your words may have been a real gift.
There is so much more on this, but I will stop here for now. Send in those questions and comments! You may write to me at drhelen@helenmcintosh.com or hit “Comment” on this blog site. I will look forward to hearing your questions or stories about workplace bullying.
Disclaimer: These comments are not a substitute for professional counseling and are not meant to be all that you might need. The comments are ideas meant to encourage you and stimulate even other ideas that might be helpful in a general sense for your situation.
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