What Do I Say and Do?
Each fall is the season that students often experience some level of bullying either as the victim or the perpetrator. Here are some thoughts below. Please write back and I will comment more specifically if the comments below don’t cover your need. This blog is for you and your encouragement!
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying is ANY form of disrespect - from non-verbal “eye-rolling” and “shunning” to the more aggressive physical “pushing and fighting.” Somewhere in the middle of that continuum is “teasing and taunting,” and “harassing” kinds of disrespect. Common examples of bullying from my children’s book, Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug, are listed below:
- Name calling
- Teasing
- Hurting feelings
- Eye rolling
- Laughing at another
- [Disrespectful] anger
- Saying bad words
- Excluding others, shunning
- Telling lies
- Gossiping, spreading false rumors
- Stealing
- Being mean
- Hitting/fighting/punching/pushing
- Saying, “You are not my friend.”
WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT CAN I SAY?
The bottom line is that there needs to be a zero tolerance in every classroom for any show or form of disrespect. Once students become aware of “what disrespect looks like” – students also need to know it is unacceptable. Hopefully each classroom’s rules cover not hurting anyone’s body, property or feelings! But, sadly, the rules don’t automatically keep children from making good choices each time. The rules do clarify that it is not OK to disrespect others!
When bullied - a child can choose to just ignore or “stuff” his/her rage, but “stuffing” can cause some very destructive consequences. To choose to ignore one’s bully or not know how to confront or face one’s bully can cause many other problems. Moreover, it is very common for a victim of bullying to someday repeat the pattern and become a bully themselves because of their focus. If your child is the bully – this tells me that at one time your child was bullied, he/she stuffed the rage, focused on his/her bully, and became “like” his/her bully. Patterning is extremely common but serious. If you study the stories of school shooters over the last few decades - these perpetrators were at one time bullied, stuffed their rage [not knowing what to say or do], focused on their bullies, and then became “like” them. So, where there is bullying and kids don’t know what to say or do – they become bullies. Every child needs to learn how to respectfully confront their bully and learn how to resolve conflicts as best they can. It is a critical life skill. Check out some of the information on www.peacerug.com for more information on bullying, but there is help!
Here’s what you can say to your child.
You can say, “May I teach you some special words to say to your bully? Ask your bully what he/she thinks you both need to do to make things better.”
Even if your child is the bully, he/she can still initiate problem-solving with the child he/she is bullying with these words. Role-play this with them! It is astonishing how quickly children resolve their conflicts when the goal of “making things better” is the focus of the conversation. There are no threats, no blaming, and no arguing about whose fault it is. A “high five” or handshake seals the agreement in celebration!
Students appreciate the sense of empowerment when they learn the method to make things better – without peer mediators or even a teacher settling their disputes every time. More dialogue and information is in the Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug book available on the www.peacerug.com website or on www.amazon.com.
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